The days since Lochlan's seizure have passed without further incident, much to my immense relief. I feel like most days are spent trying to keep him calm and most nights are spent trying to get him to sleep. Stay calm and get lots of sleep; that was the doctor's orders to help prevent further seizures. Sounds more simple than it actually is.
He is fine, acting normal, and then something irritates him (it's not obvious what, why or how) and then he's instantly angry and tense. We have found that the best way to calm him is to take him for long hikes, so we are rapidly becoming a family of long-distance hikers. :-) We've been going 7-9 miles each hike. Also, the hiking helps him to sleep so much better at night.
On the most recent hike, Lochlan raged for over 2 hours before calming down. He was tossing his bag of popcorn into that air, at trees, at us, slamming into us as he ran by, kicking trees, yelling, screaming, throwing sticks, etc. After the first hour of the raging, my eyes just filled with tears; it's so hard to watch this struggle erupting inside of him and not be able to help him. I know the hiking is helping him. I know that loving him unconditionally is helping him. I know that all the incredible people he has working alongside him are helping him. I know that giving him resources and tools and skills is helping him. But, as his mom not REALLY being able to help him, take away his pain, make his life easier, not being able to replace his anger with joy in those moments... it's pure torture. I fight my own anger, I wrestle against the pain of what I cannot change, I try not to be overwhelmed by the exasperation.
As we walked alongside Lochlan in those two hours, I found myself thinking, "Today, I'm not strong enough. I'm just not strong enough."
I am so thankful I live at the base of these mountains. I am so thankful these 3 brothers love Lochlan so absolutely. I know that my life is rich. And the truth is, I'm not strong enough; but, I'm learning day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year that I don't have to be strong enough. I have to show up, I have to take the next step, I have to to climb the mountain(s) ahead one tiny step at a time, not in giant leaps. The dogged determination to stay in forward motion is most usually what is required.