Saturday, May 19, 2018


It is well after 9:00 PM and I'm still not surrounded by the silence I am craving at this exact moment. Why are the smallish humans not entertaining deep slumber? Why are there (yes, and their) voices around me drowning out the potential quiet? Tears (from Mommy). Why is it always so much harder when Daddy is gone? Tears (from Mommy). How can I crush the irritation that seems so willingly available at the surface of my being? Why did the puppies think that tearing apart a (huge) bag of potting soil and shaking it around the entire house would please me? Instant tears from Mommy.  Why did it take an entire hour (which - sit down for this one - I didn't have to spare) to clean it up? Why is Lochlan pooping in his pants again, after almost two weeks of FOR REAL potty training success??? Definitely a lot of tears from Mommy. Why has there been so very much bickering and tattling throughout this day/week? Why did my horse think the water needed to be tipped over? Why were there 11 loads of laundry to do today? Really? Why? Why do I miss my sisters so insanely much every day? Why can't that get easier? Why does our abismal (WHY CAN I NOT SPELL ABYSMAL?!!!!) human nature gallop us headlong into the ugly part of ourselves? Why can I not come up with any creative, delicious, fast, healthy, low carb, reliable and well appreciated breakfasts on the fly (#Imsotiredofeggs)? 

The frustrations from the day put a little shadow on the perfections that exist, always around me. The beauty, the companionship, the abundant life/energy, the deep (everlasting) friendships, the simple delights caught in a thousand moments in every day... 

So, be off with the shadows! On to the snoring puppy (that I almost love again), George Winston playing "Joy" in the CD player, the smell of my Fancy horse (who got a healthy dose of tummy rubbing from Mama) on my hands, the peep-peeping from the happy duckling in the garden, the bear hug from Paugie reminding me that some love is truly boundless, the crescent moon and bright planet looming over the darkness of the Peaks, the soft rug enveloping my tired toes, and the promise of sleep in a bed I'm craving. :-) 

Monday, April 02, 2018

Office Space

Since my insanely talented hubby works remotely for a company based out of Miami, it quickly became clear that an office space separate from our house was going to be necessary. We hunted for a couple months and found an almost-new used shed for half it's original price and then George set about creating beauty from raw materials, using magic. :-) He set aside 4 feet on the length of the shed for me to use to store extra hay, but the rest of the shed is his very own man cave. 

This was just a bare bones typical storage shed just a couple weeks ago! He insulated all the walls and the ceiling. He used bead board on the walls and furring strips for the trim work. We found laminate flooring at the Habitat for Humanity Re-Store for $35/total. It looks amazing. We found the desk, armoire (which he is going to build book shelves into), and couch at a local thrift store. 

His sofa is also a pull-out bed, so we can host two extra visitors who want a little extra privacy from the main house. 

If you zoom in on the photo, you can see his crafty, simple door frame, which I think looks amazing, and also his curtain rod, designed out of conduit piping. 

My mom took all the truck photos and they are stunning! 

And just to escalate awesome to spectacular... he added a hidden door between the office and the hay barn, should he need a larger access door into his office. He cut out the side of the building, originally and put in the sliding glass door, which is a little narrow to squeeze some items through. Now, I can sneak up on him from behind through my secret door and... 

Sunday, April 01, 2018

a thousand no's shall not prevail

Another 18 emails. Another 14 phone messages. I cried on the message machine. So hard I couldn't even get out my phone number. But, then, it doesn't matter because after all my emails and previous phone messages, I'm pretty sure they have my phone number already. "Please, my son is a 5 year old non-verbal boy trapped inside himself because no one knows how to unlock him (from himself). Please, help me. Please respond. Please call me back." And then, silently to myself, as I hung up, "you don't know him. You don't know what I know. He is beautiful. He is funny - so funny. He is passionate. He knows how to love. He smiles because there is joy inside of him that he shares with only himself because he doesn't know how to tell us what makes his heart sing. Oh, he tries... and we sometimes understand. He cries because he's sometimes forgotten in the chaos of life and his feelings are sometimes not taken into consideration because... well, he can't express them the way the rest of us can. He gets angry and we all suffer because we know he's angry but it's his hurt/frustration alone - so alone. He has conversations with Devany, in the barn, and it's obvious that they speak a language that none of us understand, but that they both deeply understand. Maybe, (how constantly, fervently I pray) maybe she will help unlock this Lochlan, this man without words to find his voice (whatever it may be)."

A thousand no's shall not prevail. I will keep fighting. Lochlan, you are never truly alone.

In those wee hours of the morning, I lie in bed and think of you. My fears often pose a sinister threat to my hopes/dreams for you and for the life I know (in my heart) that you are to have and the person you can be. My dear boy, fear shall not prevail. Hope will propel us forward and faith will guide us through the darkness we seem to walk ever forward in. We will keep walking forward. 

Friday, March 30, 2018

We take ducking to a whole new level

I hear peeping and a great deal of splashing sounds from the garden area on the other side of the kitchen and I smile because this newest baby to join our family is a snuggly duckling with a case of adorable that is probably already outlawed.

Paugie accompanied me to TSC to pick up some horse feed, and as soon as we entered the building, I knew we were in danger. I carefully steered him out of the direct line of the ducklings and over to the chicks. He admired them appropriately and was content to be about our original task. I was less successful on our exit route, however, and when his big, beautiful, eyes (seriously, have you SEEN his eyes? No probably not because his lashes are so long) lighted upon the ducklings, our future was written. He temporarily stopped breathing and (subsequently) breathlessly said, "Mama!!! Ducklings!!!" His reaction was so palpable that the other 8 people watching the chicks stopped, stared at me and then (knowingly) smiled. I was toast, and they all knew it.

In the checkout line, Paugie had three people doubled over, laughing, because his gratitude was so effusively expressed. "Mama, all my dreams have come true!" "Mama, thank you so much for bringing me here!" "Mama, I've wanted this more than anything MY WHOLE LIFE!". And he really wasn't exaggerating. As I unloaded items into our truck, the fireman who had been standing behind me in line walked over and said, "that made my whole day. I have no words." :-)

So, like all normal humans, we, of course, have a duck garden in our house now. The "herb" garden has a new keeper.

Paugie was emphatic that Lucky Lochs (I was informed that Lochs is the family name) would need to accompany us on our future adventures (which are likely to be many, I shouldn't be surprised), so we found a duck bag suited just for the occasion(s). Lucky, literally, accompanies us everywhere.

Since potty training ducks is something of an impossibility (and we really are already inundated with individuals who have yet to value the merits of pooing and peeing not just everywhere), we opted for duck diapers. Sadly, we do not yet have a photo to include those little treasures, as special order items take a pee wee bit longer to acquire.

It became quite apparent from night 1 that Lucky does not like to sleep alone, so we found an obliging teddy bear (everyone was very surprised to hear that we found a teddy bear in my house) to adopt her. Anytime that Lucky is feeling apprehensive, or fatigued, or just plain snuggly, that teddy bear is the go-to.

And the duck jokes have taken over us and our extended family to an obscene level. You have been warned.

PJ Moose is smitten! She's always wanted to be a mama duck, so, it turns out we've made all her dreams come true as well. It's a win-win! She licks the baby, nuzzles it, cleans it's bottom - all those things mommies love doing. 

The first night that Lucky was home, all the boys slept in the living room to "make sure the baby doesn't get scared all alone." It was a purely altruistic endeavor. Obviously. 

It's true. This snuggly duckling is addictive! 

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

400 hamburgers

I've been sitting, staring at a blank page for about 20 minutes, but my mind is full. I wish I could take the thoughts/memories of this human that have been cantering through my mind, and lasso them all into words so that you can know them as I do, and so that I can remember them when time fades the memories into shadows. I laugh. All. The. Time. because my "tiny human" has a perspective on all things that challenges the limitations of my own imagination. 

As we pulled into In&Out, he confidently corrected the employee who was attempting to confirm our order and clarified that we had, in actuality, ordered 400 hamburgers and that we would like "many, many french fries made out of tomatoes". 

He galloped over to me with his latest K'nex creation and said, "If we have an ice cream shop built in the shape of an 'X', I am going to work in the middle, right here." I told you... thinks outside the box (or square). 

At the 753rd potty stop on our return trip from Phoenix, Kelton declared: "Let's pee at the same time. It's more manly. 1. 2. 3. Go!" 

In his complete frustration with something unreasonable I had done to him, he tearfully announced: "I so mad I gonna' frow up!" I get that a lot. 


Keddo, you are a great (now, 4 year old) man. You embody enthusiasm about all things great and small. You infect each of us with wonder because you are full of it. You fear no great adventure and you give us all fire with the spark that burns within you. There is not another you in this world and I love you for it. Remember to find who you are made to be and do it/be it with all your heart, soul, mind and body. 

Monday, March 19, 2018

We will not be able to work this out!

My life. 

It was a grueling 2 years weeks, with Daddy away and Mommy's sanity evading her a good portion of the time. Week 1 was by far the most intense because there was poop - so much poop. It wasn't unexpected, per se, as potty training a human whilst also potty training a puppy are likely to produce creative outlets (quite literally) for such unwanted substances, but we seriously escalated the potential. By a lot. Even Sabina joined the fun and made her own contributions (for three very long nights: "hello diarrhea"). I will spare you the details, and you should thank me. Suffice to say, I will mentally never be the same. :-)

Oh look! A Scottish Moose. At the table. Hmmm. Shortly after this picture was taken and I turned my back, she inhaled Kelton's kale and broccoli, which he had been suffering through for some time. When he returned from his bathroom run to find it missing, he flailed himself onto the couch, wailing, "My lunch! It's GONE!" (I guess he forgot that it was much to his relief). 

I feel like this battle on the home front is being lost, one cute face at a time. "No dogs on the furniture!" "Sure Mama, I got this. I will not let any (of the other) dogs on the furniture." 

They might not look exactly alike, but they sure do love each other. 

In the midst of crazy, I decided to take some sugar out of our diet, add some kale, eggs, butter and exercise. Lochlan had about 3 days of wailing, but has finally bid his sugar buddies adios and though he periodically looks back, he is marching forward to the tune of lots of fresh green foods, fat and protein. He still brings me the maple syrup bottle in moments of nostalgia, but has resigned himself to the lid remaining immobile.

Though drama does not run in the genetic line of this family, at all, it sometimes makes a surprise appearance in all of us. In this photo, Kelton was "hot and 'bout to throw up" because his window wouldn't roll down and it was 32 degrees outside. Obviously, that's also why he wears short sleeve shirts, shorts and snow boots; covering all the bases. 

Upon Daddy's return at the conclusion of this marathon, I hid all weekend, from my family, myself, everything and everyone. I hid on the back of my horse. :-) It was glorious! I didn't have cell service most of the time and kept it that way. I needed to think my own thoughts (like, a COMPLETE thought) and breathe air coming from between my horse's ears. #soulrestored

It's a requirement that all media related anything die while George is away. So, in accordance, the internet came on for 1-2 hours each day, making movie babysitting (movies for the children) impossible, blogging impossible, communication with other larger human beings completely impossible... you get the picture. Then, my computer died. Completely. Then, my phone ran out of data, just to make sure that I wasn't tempted to actually check something online, like, I don't know... my Airbnb business emails. I'm happy (and annoyed) to report that upon George's return to God's country (home) it was all magically restored. Alas.

On the quiet evenings (that was a funny, put in there just for you), I decided to read. The booger I found on page 17 was rather unwelcome, but not solely unexpected. 

At some juncture in the march of time, I overheard Kelton and Madigan squabbling about something ridiculous. I suggested to Kelton that they try to work it out and be kind to one another, to which he replied: "We will NOT be able to work this out!!!!!!!!!!" The impasse lasted almost 5 minutes. Intense. 

As Paugie so eloquently, and frequently, reminds me: "We were meant to love each other and I'm so glad." Truth.