Monday, March 18, 2024

You just stand your ground

 I stood there waving my white flag. 



What a hellish week. 



We have made tremendous progress on so many fronts with Lochlan these past couple weeks - truly miraculous progress, and I rein in my hope so that my heart doesn't get broken into pieces. The hope stubbornly persists, though and it gives me wings to fly. 




Yet, the progress is always coupled with new and unique challenges that are both unforeseeable and impossible in their own way. One evening, as the sun was setting, I left the house at something close to a full gallop, I hiked my hill but could barely see through the tears. I pushed myself much harder than I had energy to push, because I wanted to and I needed to - I knelt down next to my tree and waved my white flag... 



I looked up and my teeny world was put into perspective for me in a very real way. I sat and absorbed as much as I could and I left with a smile in my heart. I knew there is one thing I must do: "You just stand your ground." Don't give way to the fear, discouragement, exasperation. Fight on! 














Wednesday, March 06, 2024

Creepy Midnight Kisser

 We like to make an impression wherever we go. We endeavor to never blend in, never be average or normal. So, when swim lessons began this week, we really outdid ourselves even without Lochlan's legendary assistance. Madigan arrived to the pool fully clad in his usual attire, aside from the swimming trunks/swim shirt cleverly hidden underneath it all. Khakis, t-shirt, (barn filthy) flannel shirt, dagger holstered to his belt and of course his ragged cowboy boots. When he emerged from the locker room with his swim gear, he was still wearing his cowboy boots (and socks) and his dagger. I giggled and sheepishly chided him. He was utterly unaware of his fashion statement and the charming affect it had on the group of elderly ladies in the water yoga class. 



Lochlan stirred at 2:00 this morning. Luckily I heard him. He crept to where I was lying still, probably still assuming I was asleep. He silently bent down, placed his lips firmly upon my chin and kissed me. He hasn't kissed anything or anyone since he was 14 months old! He whispered, "I love you." I grabbed his giggly self into my arms, and with tears pouring down my face squeezed him as hard as I could. My heart... 
We've had two school sessions at a coffee shop this week. Both times he has been agitated, but today he was much better than yesterday. We'll take improvement wherever we can! His latest fixation is on destroying things, or watching things fly: flying pencil to land upon fellow guest in the coffee shop, flying computer over the 3/4 wall in our house, flying potted plant, flying notebook, flying wooden bear figure, flying Legos (particularly inspiring if they're well built Lego creations made by his brothers), flying glass toothpaste container, etc. 



Kelton was helping me in the field tonight. We'd been picking up weeds, moving horse panels, unloading hay, and we were filthy. I looked up to find him staring at me. He said, "Mom, I love the way your face looks right now; it's how I remember you most clearly. You look happy and I love how you have taught me to work hard." My heart melted. I was happy. Hard work can be so rewarding, especially when I'm working alongside the people I love so dearly. 



Declan made the most delicious and satisfying dinner tonight. It was entirely his own creation! My favorite part was the sweet potatoes that he diced, and sauteed in honey and butter until they were browned slightly. He wanted to surprise me with dinner and he succeeded marvelously. I love his tender heart, the way he serves quietly, never seeking recognition. He sees people when they are hurting and he genuinely rejoices when others prosper. What the world could learn from this man! 




You'll be happy to know that Ankie Tae blends in as well as we do. 






And, in summary... I feel that Bumpy reflects a lot about the animals who own us. Stoic. Unflappable. Long-suffering. Hilarious. 






My sentiments exactly... 



Friday, March 01, 2024

Better to light a candle...

It took about 24 hours. 




I loaded D and K into the truck and we headed to Durango for a couple of ski days with Ankie Tae. By the time we arrived, we were all tired. We tucked ourselves into the cabin we rented and put ourselves to bed early. Yesterday the three of them headed for the slopes and I wandered with my dog. We explored snow-packed trails and familiarized ourselves with the Purgatory Resort. I tried at least 8 times to sit and write out my thoughts, but my brain felt cloudy and tired. I didn't know what to do with the time I had available to me. Then, last night, I slept completely through the night - the first time in at least 6 months. 




This morning, the bright morning light reflected my own well being. I know exactly what I want to do with the time I have available for the next couple days. Upon reflection, it is incredible how deeply weary I become day after day, week after week, month after month, without even realizing it. I am constantly "on", even in my sleep; it's my normal responsibilities and duties coupled with constantly countering Lochlan's antics, being always prepared for his night-time adventures, searching for answers (if not to his condition, then to his latest challenging activities) and the relentless toll of trying to live peaceably with his numerous challenges in a world that does not embrace or support what it does not understand. 








I suppose that is why wandering in the wild places is so pivotal in my life. And even though they are brief, it is those moments of "freedom" which help restore - freedom from responsibility, from expectations, freedom for thought, freedom to absorb the beauty, to reflect upon the Creator of that beauty and even freedom to just set it all down. This season of my life is not a season of rest. It is a season of perseverance, it is a season to fight (daily) for answers for my boy who is locked up inside himself, it is season to love these incredible boys in all the wonderful and impossible ways, it is a season to yield my own hopes and dreams to the One I trust with the plan for my life. If rest (in all its facets) eludes me for the remainder of my life, so be it. 

I will take the next step.